Jared Mercer Online

By Jared Mercer

as The Pixies said: Where is my mind?

My life has a mind of its own. I feel the need to close my eyes when I hear loud noises. I get a feeling of angst when the sun rises. Dense traffic causes brain hemorrhages. Cattle eat grass, your sister eats beef, your sister dies, she is buried under grass, the cow eats the grass, you eat the cow, you eat your sister.

My favourite past time is sleeping, while my most hated activity is dreaming. Not daydreaming, that is a beautiful thing, I love day dreaming. You can choose what you want to dream about, and it always takes you to where the grass is greener, where your sister is not dead and buried and you don’t eat her remains mixed with a medium rare steak.  I hate dreaming, like REM dreaming, sleep dreaming.  Although a case could be made that it is my mind therefore I can control it. But when I sleep, deep sleep, I lose control, my dreams control me. They disturb, they delight, they frighten, they reveal to me what was not meant to be.

I used to smoke cigarettes for no good reason.  For my heroes, for art, for rock ‘n’ roll, for stupidity.  It is a way to say “fuck you” to reason, the ultimate rebellion.  It is still legal so you can do it much easier than other past-time drugs like marijuana.  Smoking is a time to reflect, a time to drink wine, think about nothing and clear your head from a day of work, or to daydream.  If only healthy smoke could be invented, like vitamin C sticks you smoke with no rebellion but all the thoughtfulness.  Tattoos and acne must hurt.  Were the ’90s really ten years ago?  I refuse to believe that.  Nirvana still needs to release some new material.

Solange Knowles is overlooked because of her sister but she is shockingly beautiful (possible why she got knocked up first).  As the younger, she will eat Beyonce in years to come.  From then on Wednesdays shall be known as Avocados and Church will be called Bacon.  Time for some midweek Bacon.  This would then make pigs to Christians as cows are to Hindus. Don’t dream, don’t eat the beef, your sister carries listeriosis and you are 85 years old.

I have been 24 for 11 days, but I originally drafted this while I was 22 years old for another 34 days in human time, 16 days before I left for Kazakhstan in movie time.  Only a few more sleeps.  I am most comfortable at night in my bed.  Bed during the daytime attracts judgment.  Snuggling into the blankets at night, not having to please anyone or do anything or pay any bills, thinking about what tomorrow brings and all the things one dreams of accomplishing but will never even begin.  You are not as fat while laying down so look in the mirror.

Why do people like Lil’ Wayne? He just makes music and homosapiens look bad.  Vincent van Gogh causes orgiastic convulsions of perfection.  Now that is a man, let us all cut off our ears in reminiscence.  How is my spelling? Grammar? Punctuation? Even though you’ll never read this I still wonder about your approval.  By the time this gets published it will be done in 7 different languages other than English.  French, Russian, Spanish, Italian, German, Chinese, and Yiddish.  Latin, Cree, and Creole will follow in years to come.

But for now, good night and good luck.  For what I do not know.